I'm so sorry if this is the wrong forum...please feel free to redirect me.

Samsung Chromebook XE303C12
KDE Linux 3.8.11 (32-bit)
Java version 1.7.0_60

I'm not able to launch Minecraft. I am 99% sure based on the Game Output this has to do with my Chromebook being one of the ARM-based Samsung models. I totally realize this is Not Recommended, but for my nine-year-old's sake I'm trying to do it anyway.

I found a thread which said that Java 7 as distributed doesn't support ARM processors, so I downloaded a version that supports hard float on ARMs that another forum pointed me to. But I'm still getting the same kind of errors.

If you have any ideas, please let me know!

In the Game Output you get:

OpenJDK Zero VM warning: You have loaded library /home/baserty/.minecraft/versions/1.8.3/1.8.3-natives-44326013494133/liblwjgl64.so which might have disabled stack guard. The VM will try to fix the stack guard now.
It's highly recommended that you fix the library with 'execstack -c <libfile>', or link it with '-z noexecstack'.
Exception in thread "main" java.lang.UnsatisfiedLinkError: /home/baserty/.minecraft/versions/1.8.3/1.8.3-natives-44326013494133/liblwjgl64.so: /home/baserty/.minecraft/versions/1.8.3/1.8.3-natives-44326013494133/liblwjgl64.so: cannot open shared object file: No such file or directory (Possible cause: can't load IA 32-bit .so on a ARM-bit platform)
at java.lang.ClassLoader$NativeLibrary.load(Native Method)
at java.lang.ClassLoader.loadLibrary1(ClassLoader.java:1965)
at java.lang.ClassLoader.loadLibrary0(ClassLoader.java:1890)
at java.lang.ClassLoader.loadLibrary(ClassLoader.java:1880)
at java.lang.Runtime.loadLibrary0(Runtime.java:849)
at java.lang.System.loadLibrary(System.java:1088)
at org.lwjgl.Sys$1.run(Sys.java:72)
at java.security.AccessController.doPrivileged(Native Method)
at org.lwjgl.Sys.doLoadLibrary(Sys.java:66)
at org.lwjgl.Sys.loadLibrary(Sys.java:96)
at org.lwjgl.Sys.<clinit>(Sys.java:117)
at avf.J(SourceFile:2524)
at net.minecraft.client.main.Main.main(SourceFile:41)

Which distribution are you running on your chromebook? Are you running the OS that was originally installed, or did you install something else on top of that?
This probably isn't the forum you are looking for as this forum is primarily for discussions about the KDE software collection and Plasma desktop environment, and it looks like your problem is around running and using Java apps which doesn't have anything to do with KDE.

Your best bet would probably be to go back to those forums that you were already looking at and ask around there for assistance, or look for other forums relating to ARM, chromebooks and/or java 7.