Right, I heard a few good things about KOffice, most notably it's startup time. I opened Synaptic, marked Koffice for installation...then it tells me it cannot install KOffice due to KForumla (which can be installed, but wont be, as you'll see...) which for some reason is marked as a 'Unresolveable Dependancy'. I found KFormula also in the repos, and attempted to install it..I was met with a warning box telling me that Okular, Dolphin, Digikam...EVERYTHING, was going to be uninstalled.

My god, can someone explain this? Or if need be, hit the Kubuntu devs around the face with a cluebat?

I don't know what's wrong, but have you read http://www.kubuntu.org/news/koffice-2.0.1 ?

I have, and I look forward to it. If KOffice can start up faster then the time it takes me to make a cup of tea, then all is right with the world.

AFAIR the problem is in some debug option with which koffice was compiled.
Startup time was significantly reduced by creating/editing some config file.
But I can not remember what config it was